feeling under
Posted on Nov 6th, 2006
by 
jess
jess
i know that everyone has ups and downs. lately i feel defeated more often than not. is it anticpation to what is to come? about to have alot more free time on my hands to focus on music, self-care, etc. that makes me excited and nervous.
but lately, i feel like a ball of fire, just spinning around, chaotically shaking like i've had too much coffee. i criticize those around me, especially those that i love the most, and i am not at all supportive to friends or family...instead i feel defeated, tired, flat, without energy, no help to myself and no help to anyone else. it's very frustrating.
i breathe. i practice yoga. but my mind is on a rampage, just criticizing and judging. ultimately, these past few days i have been filled with anger that i don't really understand. i sleep poorly, and i feel rotten. here's an example. i was rewriting my bio, and i didn't save it and the program shuts down and i have nothing. so i start yelling loudly, oh no! very loudly just upset. but what am i yelling for? this is so unlike me. i don't get it. the words are coming out but it's not me really saying them. i wanna throw something. this is SO unlike me. i am seeping. is my tongue poisoned?
i think in reference to the 5 elements, something is out of balance. each element has a sound that it makes when it's out of balance. yelling and anger - that's earth i think.
in honor of this massive imbalance, liu shifu is coming over to give me a massage tonight after work. and then, i think i'm gonna sleep. i'm just being as conscious as i can of the behavior, emotions, spiritual, physical - observing it, then just let it go...
send good vibes...i am in need.
but lately, i feel like a ball of fire, just spinning around, chaotically shaking like i've had too much coffee. i criticize those around me, especially those that i love the most, and i am not at all supportive to friends or family...instead i feel defeated, tired, flat, without energy, no help to myself and no help to anyone else. it's very frustrating.
i breathe. i practice yoga. but my mind is on a rampage, just criticizing and judging. ultimately, these past few days i have been filled with anger that i don't really understand. i sleep poorly, and i feel rotten. here's an example. i was rewriting my bio, and i didn't save it and the program shuts down and i have nothing. so i start yelling loudly, oh no! very loudly just upset. but what am i yelling for? this is so unlike me. i don't get it. the words are coming out but it's not me really saying them. i wanna throw something. this is SO unlike me. i am seeping. is my tongue poisoned?
i think in reference to the 5 elements, something is out of balance. each element has a sound that it makes when it's out of balance. yelling and anger - that's earth i think.
in honor of this massive imbalance, liu shifu is coming over to give me a massage tonight after work. and then, i think i'm gonna sleep. i'm just being as conscious as i can of the behavior, emotions, spiritual, physical - observing it, then just let it go...
send good vibes...i am in need.
Access: Public
jess meider
August 2008 
actually i realized it is the element of wood that i was lacking. funnily enough, i was wearing a t-shirt that had a tree on the front. it is not a coincidence that subconsciously i already know what i am lacking. it is common to wear the color that we are feeling or lacking the most.
i am feeling better. permitting myself to rest and retreat. :) this is helping me to make decisions about the next 8 weeks of my life. i am grateful for that.
If I may pose one possibility Jess, one I have come across in my own life…
Change is one of those things. It's a redirection of energy and attention into a new channel, domain, area, flow of Life, and sometimes that channel or flow is blocked by “stuff”. Call it baggage, the past, the unconscious, whatever you like. The contact of this energy on the block usually manifests as the kinds of things you have described yourself experiencing. Like water cutting a new channel to flow into, so the debris and detritus lying dormant in that place is stirred up, muddying the water, clouding our vision and perception. Maintain the flow, the clean, pure flow that comes from the source, the center…hold the vision clear in your mind's eye and let Life sort the rest of the details out. Just hold the vision…